Norm From Cheers
First thing's first: I hate the title of this movie. It feels excessively wordy, but I can't really think of a way to shorten it. I'm terribly vexed.
I honestly don't hold out a lot of hope for this, as Batman (voiced by Will Arnett), by nature, is a dark character. LEGO, by nature, are not. Trying to mix two non-similar types like that is how you get Mr. Freeze played by Ahnold spouting terrible ice puns for 2 hours and 5 minutes. Boy do I hope this isn't that.
Maybe I was worried for nothing. The trailer for Cars 3 seems really dark for a Pixar movie, so perhaps that's what the kids are clamoring for nowadays. Maybe they sell grey Play-Doh now.
The opening monologue is a pretty funny bit, as Batman goes on a vainglorious, self-righteous rant about the gravitas of his (this) film.
The first action of the movie takes place on Macguffin Airlines. Well-played. Obnoxious, pedantic sumbitches like me will get that, but I'm not sure the average movie-goer will.
Anyway, Joker (voiced by Zach Galifinakis) boards an airplane in mid-air to steal it's cargo, a shit ton of LEGO explosives, which i didn't realize they made. I'll definitely have to keep an eye out for them in the future. As he takes over the cockpit, he threatens the pilot, telling him his entire plan of blowing up the power plant and splitting the city in twain. However, the pilot seems non-plussed. He points out that Batman has always foiled Joker's plans, including the time he held a parade with Prince music and poison floats, or the time with the two boats. Joker emphatically states that THIS plan is WAY better than the time with the two boats.
Joker flies the plane to the Gotham Power Plant and drops the explosives in to the plant, where every member of Batman's Rogues Gallery is already waiting, from Bane (dressed like Batman & Robin Bane, but voiced like Tom Hardy), to Two-Face (voiced by Lando Calrissian), to such characters as Calendar Man and Clock King. They assemble the explosives in to a "Super Bomb," and place it at the base of the power plant.
Batman rides in on a ridiculously impractical LEGO Batmobile, and utters the most memorable line from Tim Burton's Batman: "You wanna get nuts? LET'S GET NUTS!" He then proceeds to beat the hell from every single Rogue present, before breaking in to LEGO Batman: The Musical.
As Batman defuses the bomb, Joker asserts that Batman waited until the last second to defuse it because he wanted more time with Joker, because he's his favorite person. Kind of a bunny- boiler way to look at things, but coming from an indigent man with myriad crippling mental health problems, sure, why not?
Unfortunately, Batman doesn't feel the same way, rejecting Joker in the most sociopathic way possible. He tells Joker that he "means nothing to (him). No one does." Which is the kind of shit sociopaths that can't feel empathy with anyone or anything. Joker takes it hard, and vows the 'ultimate revenge,' as he escapes.
After leaving the power plant, Bats stops off at an orphanage to hand out swag. One of the orphans is Dick Grayson (voiced by the aggressively Caucasian Scott Pilgrim), who is just infatuated with Batty McBatBat.
Batman makes his way back to the Batcave, verbally recapping all of his possessions and 'war trophies' on his way in. He throws Joker's Super Bomb on to a literal pile of bombs, and goes to find his supper, lobster thermidor (a running gag) in the microwave. After eating, he roams his manse in solitude, stopping at a collage of family photos.
He stares at the photos for a while, before we get to see Bruce's parents die for the millionth time. I think the Waynes are running neck and neck with Uncle Ben, Kenny and Bill Murray in Groundhog Day for most onscreen deaths. Alfred (voiced by Voldemort) happens upon him whilst he's reflecting, only for Bruceman to violently deny that he was staring at said photos, childishly dancing about while doing so.
We next see Bruceman the next day at Jim Gordon's (voiced by the concierge from Pretty Woman) retirement party, which is open to the public, attended by a shit ton of orphans and held at an outdoor skating rink. Bruceman sees Barbara Gordon (voiced by the gal from The Rundown) and is immediately smitten, having apparently never seen, heard of or met her. She is taking over for Ol' Jimbo, and BOY does she not agree with the way Batman beats the crap out of the mentally ill. Her plan is to beat crime with compassion. When she announces this, Bruceman is incensed beyond coherence, and accidentally adopts Scott Pilgrim.
Fortunately, Joker shows up with the same army of Rogues from earlier. They flood in to the ceremony area, where Joker promptly surrenders to Lady Gordon, baffling Bruceman and incensing him further. Joker effectively ends all crime in Gotham, making Batman obsolete.
Upon his return home, Alfred informs Bruceman that he accidentally adopted an orphan, so he's locked him out of his Bat-Computer (referred to as 'Puter, which also works on iOS's Siri), Alfred suggests he bond with Scott Pilgrim instead of worrying about Joker.
Bruceman, however, becomes obsessed with Joker, filling his time with ponderings on his intentions, motives and plans. Finally he settles on "Meh," and decides he needs to throw Joker into the Phantom Zone just to be safe. To do this, he needs to steal the Phantom Zone Projector from Superman, who keeps it at his Fortress of Solitude. Deciding it's a two-man job, with one man being expendable, he gives Scott Pilgrim a Batsuit and calls him Robin, like the small, defenseless bird.
Bats and Pilgrim make their way to the Fortress, and prepare to sneak in, distract Superman (voiced by Magic Mike), and steal the Phantom Zone Projector. As Mike opens the door, it becomes apparent that there's a bit of a rager going on inside, meaning that 'Fortress of Solitude' is a bit of a misnomer. It turns out that Mike is having the whole Justice League over, but didn't invite Batty. There's no real need for a distraction, so instead we get some awkward conversating between Bats and Mike. Scott gets the Projector and they make their way out.
Batty breaks in to Arkham with Scott in order to use the Projector on Joker, and does so successfully. He sends Joker to the Phantom Zone, whose residents also include Sauron, Germlins, Godzilla, Bruce the Shark from Jaws, King Kong, Daleks from the Who universe,
Agent Smith from The Matrix, Voldemort (which has got to be awkward for Alfred), and a Kaiju Pacific Rim. So, full house.
Barbara is disappointed and disgustipated by Bats' actions, so she locks him and Scott up in Joker's old cell. While she's doing so, nobody is watching the Projector, and Harley Quinn (voiced by Mona Lisa Saperstein from Parks and Rec) sneaks in and steals it. She sets Joker and everyone else free from the Phantom Zone, and they all band together for the hell of it to attack LEGO Gotham.
Babs realizes that she needs Batty McBatman, and sets him and Scott Pilgrim free. She then dresses up as Batgirl, and Alfred dresses up as Batdad. They try to band together, but Batman insists on handling this shitshow alone, abandoning everyone, locking them in a broken Batwing and setting out on his own.
For some reason, Sauron (in Eyeball Tower Form) can spout magma, and is really fucking the place up.
Bats gets to Wayne Manor, which has been taken over by Joker and turned in to Six Flags Over Crazy. He tries to have a final showdown, but Joker decides that he's still unappreciated, so he offhandedly transports Bats to the Phantom Zone, and continues running amok.
In the Phantom Zone, Batman gets cozy with the Intake Officer of the Phantom Zone (voiced by The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt), who makes a deal with him: Bats can leave if he promises to bring back all the other prisoners. Batty agrees, and gets sent back to LEGO world.
His first stop back is to to apologize to Babs, Oskar Schindler and Scott Pilgrim, reuniting the team. They proceed to go megaton on everyone again, until it becomes apparent that Joker is going to bomb the City in a fashion that will split it in twain. Bats then bands the villains together too, after they recognize that Joker wants to destroy the City, and they LIVE in the City. However, Batman fails to stop the bomb from detonating.
The City splits in two, and starts spreading and falling down. Batman finds Joker, and convinces him that he's realized how much Joker means to the definition of Batman. In a change of heart, Joker literally bands together with the other citizens and Rogues to 'bridge the gap,' stopping the spread of the City.
Everyone comes together in a Coke commercial moment, before Bats zaps the villains back to the Negative Zone. As he prepares to zap himself back, in order to fulfill his promise, Kimmy Schmidt shows up and tells him nah, he's good.
It's at this point that I notice there's an awful lot of Michael Jackson music in this movie for being a kids' movie.
Batman decides to let the Rogues and Joker go, so he has something to do in catching them again, and the movie ends.
Overall, i enjoyed this more than I expected to, but I don't feel they had to shit on all of the Batmovies that came before it.
3/5 Batarangs
As always, you can find me on the Tweeter @NormFromCheers to tell me how wrong I am
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