John Wick 2: Wick Harder (Burning the Wick at Both Ends)

Norm From Cheers

The movie starts with a regaling of The Legend of John Wick (a recap of the first movie). This regaling is related by Peter Stormare, also known as Standard Russian Bad Guy #235240, who is apparently the head of the Russian mob after John Wick killed the ever living shit out of most of them in the first film.

During the regaling, we find that for some goddamn reason, the surviving Russians kept John's car, and he has finally tracked it down.

As John breaks in to the vehicle holding area, we see a metric fuckton of mysteriously ornate wooden boxes,, gold bricks, pedestrian piles of cash and lots of drugs being shipped in various clandestine containers, such as used motor oil (everybody ships used motor oil from time to time, right?). Stormare then tells the audience and his right-hand man (who apparently hasn't been paying attention to this massive undertaking being executed in the same building where he works) that it's just cheaper and safer to abandon all US operations and GTFO, rather than try to reason or appease John.

While the regaling turns in to a voiceover, we see that John Wick has apparently gone to war with a livery union, but the only livery union on the planet that doesn't own guns. Since they don't own guns, they proceed to try to commit vehicular homicide on John, as he ribbon dances his way to his car with a garrote, pausing every so often to shove lit cigarettes in to men's mouths, cherry-first.

Finally, John find his car - Eleanor. He tries to quietly get away (as quietly as you can get away in a muscle car inside a warehouse full of cabs), but is spotted and chased. The geniuses chasing him, who haven't read the company memo stating that the Russian concern is pulling up stakes, crash in to his beloved car. It's at this point that John visibly decides 'Fuck it,' and plays bumper cars with the cabs, just absolutely destroying his beloved car in the process (and shattering several windshields several times). Eventually, Eleanor is too beat up to still use to try to kill people with, so John gets out and proceeds to do some ol' fashioned a-murderin'. And boy does he decide he likes knee kicks. I lost count at six, but he kept going with them.

After there are no more Russians to kill, John lets himself in to Pete Stormare's office, pours them each a drink, and toasts to the Russian Space Station Mir, which is also evidently Russian for 'peace,' according to the subtitles. Who knew? John then walks out, and the introduction to the film is concluded, and the title card comes up.

John limps his now-busted hoopty home, parks it, and goes inside to spend time with his new dog, which doesn't have a name (this is a running gag throughout the film). As he winds down from his day of killin', he bags up all of his physical accoutrements that go in to wearing the "John Wick" costume, takes them down to his basement, and throws them in a hole he busted in his floor in The Legend of John Wick. He then patches the concrete, doing a fairly serviceable

job from what the camera showed. Personally, I think he's got real talent at this whole masonry thing, if his day job ever falls through.

As he sits in his basement, literally watching concrete dry, his doorbell rings. John goes to answer the door to see Italy's answer to Robert Downy Jr., Roberto Downy Jr. He invites Roberto Downy Jr in for some coffee and small talk, which inevitably leads to Roberto producing some fine jewelry from his pocket and telling John he needs him to go back to work. This is evidently a physical representation of a literal blood debt John owes Roberto, in connection with the Impossible Task John accomplished all those years ago that allowed him to retire.John politely refuses, and then begs Roberto to not ask him to come back to work (my suspicion is that he, too, realizes that masonry work is his true calling).

Roberto seems upset that John has found a hobby to pass the time in his retirement, but politely leaves. After he leaves, Roberto drives down the street and shoots Johns house to hell with a grenade launcher, which seems like a fair bit of hardware to just roll around with to me. I mean, if someone rear-ends you when you're on your way out to 7Eleven to get more Skittles, that seems like it'd be a largely indefensible way to die. It also leads me to believe that Roberto isn't actually as even-keeled as he said he was.

The first explosion, of course, blows John and his dog clear of the rest of them, despite the fact that if the explosion were actually forceful enough to lift a grown man and a dog and fling them about 50 feet, their innards would be liquified.

As the fire brigade shows up to contain the blaze, before it can spread to the surrounding lake water, Jimmy, the Cop from the first movie shows up, and asks John if he had a gas leak, John plays along, coyly answering questions as to whether or not he's "Working Again."

Now homeless, John makes his way back to the Continental, the assassin's waystation from the first film. He walks up to the front desk, still manned by Charon (side note: this is an awesome name for this character, given its origin). John tells his dog to STAY at the front desk and goes to see Ian 'Winston' McShane, the Manager of the Continental. Winston is examining some Gold Coins (the preferred currency of assassins in this world), and places them back in a mysteriously ornate Wooden Box, similar to the ones Petey Stormare had at the beginning of the film. Winnie is evidently brunching with the jeweler (or sculptor? I'm not sure what you call a metal carvist) who made the coins, which is abruptly ended with John's arrival. Winnie relates the (judging from his exasperated demeanor, what should have already been apparent) facts of John's situation. If he kills Roberto, John dies. If he runs from Roberto, he dies. If he refuses Roberto, he dies. John leaves in a huff, asking Charon to board his dog whilst he goes on another killing spree.

John then locates Roberto at the MOMA, where he's busy disinterestedly curating his late father's art collection. Before John can see Roberto, he is aggressively frisked and sexually harassed by his head of security, Ruby Rose, who some of you may recognize as the aggressively Australian sniper from the recent xXx sequel. She finger guns her way out of the frisking process after attempting to finger John's anus, and then he has a sit-down with Roberto, who explains that his father was one of the members of the High Table, a shadowy organization that implicitly runs all of the crime in the world worth criming. WHen his father recently died, he willed his seat to his daughter, Roberto's sister.

I have several questions about this, chiefly being how exactly does one's will read when bequeathing a seat of power on the executive board of an ethereal crime organization that supposedly runs the world (this feels like where the Lizard People come in to the equation)?

Anyway, Roberto decided that he could do a better job of criming than his sister, so he wants John to kill her. John silently agrees, and goes about kitting up.

His first stop is a Hasidic bank, where he angrily gets dressed in to his John Wick costume. He then makes his way to the Continental Rome. This implies that the Continental is a chain hotel, presumably with convenient locations all around the world. I wonder if they have a rewards or loyalty program.

The Continental Rome has the exact same staff as the Continental New York. Everyone has their doppelgänger, from lady Charon (wo)manning the front desk to the Manger, played by The Most Interesting Man in the World, if Dos Equis is to be believed. His first question to John is to ask whether he's in town to kill the Pope, which is, admittedly, a unique conversation starter. After John assures him that is not the case, The Most Interesting Hotel Manager in the World gives him his room key, and John goes about his business, which includes a trip to a tailor, a librarian, and the hotel sommelier.

Now I'm not sure if I just don't know what a sommelier does, or if this is a special sommelier, but this guy has all the goddamn guns in the world. They repartee back and forth, as John orders guns using double entendres that could refer to guns or wine. I don't know why they use the double entendres, as there is enough small ordinance on display to level a small army. Even weirder, in the context of the scene, the sommelier's true passion seems to be blades. Also, he's played by Simon Pegg's roommate who isn't Nick Frost in Shaun of the Dead.

So after John gets gunned up, he goes to see a tailor, whose offices are concealed in a Chinese sweatshop. John is measured for and orders two suits with 'tactical' lining. This lining is supposedly cutting-edge bulletproof material, but it doesn't seem to have any rigid structure. The logical problem with this is that even in regular body armor, existent in the real world, you'll break ribs with a direct hit. You won't get shot by the bullet, but the impact dispersion will still beat the hell from you. This concept seems dubious and suspect to me.

Finally, John goes to the librarian's shop. There, he is given a lesson on the architectural history of the Downy Jr. ancestral home, from the beginning of time to present day. He is also furnished with a key ring containing four keys that look older than time itself.

After he's all kitted out, John goes to break in to the Downy Jr estate through the catacombs that are apparently unguarded and poorly locked and monitored, yet underlie and spider throughout the entire estate. While breaking in, he is surreptitiously spied on by Ruby Rose. As he works his way in through the catacombs, he leaves party favors and big guns lying about, in case of a hasty and noisy retreat.

Once he gets to the heart of the estate, it becomes apparent that someone is hosting an Illuminati raver whose headline is the Italian Enya. There is just a tremendous cacophony coming out of this largely stone structure, and there's not a chance in hell that you wouldn't be able to hear this noise throughout the entire city of Rome.

As ItaliaEnya sings her version of the Miss America theme, the presumed Downy Jr Sister walks down the aisle, gland-handing and meet-and-greeting the whole way. We also see that her head of security is rapper Common. His furniture-design competition reality show must not have panned out. He really did that - I swear on my whiskey bottle I didn't make that up. It was called "Framework."

As The Carpenter Formerly Known as Common politely but firmly guides Lady Downy Jr through her various appointments on this, the most Illuminati Raviest of Nights, she decides to retire to her private quarters in the middle of this, as previously established, massively loud rave. When she does, she sends Common away to build a chair or something.

As Lady Downy Jr primps in a mirror, John Wick appears in the reflection like a goddamn street magician. She immediately recognizes him, and I felt it was insinuated that they used to bump proverbial uglies. She realizes John is here to kill her, and asks who sent him. When she hears it was her brother, she disgustedly warns John that he will try to take over New York for some unspecified reason.

To spare John from having to kill her, and to go out on her 'own terms,' Lady Downy Jr strips down, gets in a conveniently pre-filled tub that's shaped like a cross, and slits her own wrists. John holds her hand as she enters the final boarding process, and then puts an insurance bullet in her head for good measure.

On his way out of the Illuminati Rave, John runs in to Common, who has apparently finished building his chair. They recognize each other, and John regretfully informs him that the Rome Downy Jrs have one less family member.

Common then initiates a shootout with John, along with every other armed guard at this soirée, all of whom apparently had their thumbs up their collective asses until this very second. Somehow, despite all the bullets flying, not a single person in the surround throng of people catches a stray round or a through and trough.

John finally gets away in to the catacombs, only to run in to Ruby Rose and a gaggle of Redshirts. She curiously pantomimes tying up loose ends, and then rains holy hell on John. My first though during this scene was that holy shit everyone in this gun battle would be outright deaf after this. They let off a lot of ordinance in what's basically a small rock cave.

John takes several rounds to the suit, holding up the lapel like a Poor Man's Dracula, or your dad acting like his coat is Captain America's shield. John fights his way to the weapons he's staged previously, including an AR-15 and a Benelli M4, both of which, again, would be absolutely deafening in such enclosed, tight quarters. It's a near thing, but John escapes the catacombs and loses Ruby Rose.

As he walks back to the Continental, Common hits John with a car, and the gets out, firing wildly. They both run out of rounds, and proceed to wrestle through the street of Rome. At one point, they both go tumbling down the longest flight of stairs in cinematic history. I mean, it was positively Kubrickian in length.

Eventually, they throw each other through a window in to the Continental. This is a pivot point in the fight, because one of the two rules this cinematic universe has introduced is that One

Cannot Spill Blood on Continental Grounds, on penalty of being thrown out of and blacklisted from said Continental and/or death.

When The Manager points out to them that they are on Continental Grounds, they stop fighting. The Most Interesting Man in Rome then suggests they get a drink at the hotel bar (way to upsell the in-house services, dude). As they sit down to their drink, John explains how he had no choice in the acceptance of his task, and Common says he understands, but will still hunt him to the ends of the earth, or the movie, whichever comes first. This seems kinda of like a dick move on his part, considering it was him that failed to replace the locks on the goddamn basement doors for the last 9,000 years.

Anyway, they have a 'I'm gonna kill you first!, No I'M gonna kill you first!' dick-measuring competition, and then Common leaves. The camera pans over then to reveal that Ruby Rose was sitting there THE WHOLE TIME!!!11!!1! She starts speaking to John in sign language...wait...is Ruby Rose supposed to be mute? What the fuck? I guess i haven't heard her aggressively Australian accent all movie, so apparently so. That's a weird narrative choice on the movie maker's part, but okay. There is no explanation or reason given for her muteness the rest of the film.

By the way, in the catacombs, John killed 42 guys. I counted.

As John retires to his room, we see that at some point, while being shot multiple times, his phone screen cracked, so now he can't morosely watch videos of his dead wife on a beach. I feel like this is a good development for the narrative pacing of the film.

Roberto calls John on the antique rotary phone (note for you youngsters: ask your parents what this means) that's part of the hotel furnishings, and informs him that as revenge for killing his sister, he has put out a contract on his life for $7 million. John characteristically hangs up mid-conversation. I don't think this man has had a full phone conversation in his life. He always hangs up mid-sentence.

Let's take a minute to talk about how Roberto put out a contract on John. This seems to be a needlessly complicated system, with many montages of antiquity and high-tech confusingly meshed. Roberto calls a woman who identifies herself as "Switchboard." She's in a room staffed entirely by Suicide Girls, all identically dressed as candy stripers/pinup girls. They don't appear to ever venture outside of this room they work in, so I'm not sure what the point of the costumes is, but whatever. The room is evidently a communication hub from yesteryear, as all calls are routed through an old-fashioned phone bank, and all communications out of the room are done through vacuum tubes, like a 1950's mailroom. Switchboard takes the 'order', writes it down on a form, passes the form to another Suicide Girl, who types up the form, sends it somewhere for approval, and then returns it to the room to be disbursed via a machine that appears to be a combination TeleType/RoboCaller. It blasts the order to a series of inept B-level hitmen, who are all conveniently stationed throughout New York City for John's return.

As John aimlessly walks the streets of New York, just waiting for people to try to kill him, they start to oblige him.

The first genius to step up to the plate is a large man who looks like he has trouble negotiating a mid-length flight of stairs. This boy's gotta be in the 500-lb range, he initially tries to shoot John

and...you know what? This montage is kind of boring. Just know that several inept assassin's take a swing at John, but only one gets a good shot in, presumably where his appendix would be. The best part of this montage is when he demonstrates how to kill multiple people with a pencil,

The boss level of this portion of the movie is Common again. Only shitty video games that need to length pad reuse boss characters, so I was worried this climax would suck, but boy did it not. At one point, they prettily snipe at each other with suppressed pistols while traversing a crowded subway station. Throughout, John kills several more shitty hitmen, or 'Shitmen,' if you will.

They both end up on the same train, near the end of the line. The proceed to Steven Segal Knife Fight their way through the last two stops on the line, before John stabs Common in the chest with Common's own knife. He tells Common that the knife is stuck in his heart, and that he could pull it out and keep trying to kill John and die, or he could leave it in and maybe live.

John debarkes from the train, only to see two more Shitmen after him. They somehow knew he would be in that particular subway station at that exact second. John's pretty busted up by now, so he find a hobo, passes him a gold coin, cryptically tells the hobo to take him to see somebody, and passes out under the hobo's tarp. The hobo rattles the gold coin, and then shoots the last two Shitmen to death. Thus concludes John's Shitmen killing spree, capping it at 6. Hobo Batman had an assist with 2.

John comes to in a boiler room, where the hobo and his hobo pals are burning the bodies of the Shitmen the hobo killed. He's been patched up and is receiving IV fluids to help with the no doubt crippling blood loss, which is mighty nice.

The hobo takes John to meet with Morpheus, reuniting the best duo from a computer-themed film released in 1999. Morpheus is evidently now King Hobo, and he tends carrier pigeons as a hobby.

Morpheus relates that he once had his throat cut by John, many, many years ago. He learned how not to be snuck up on because of that incident, but was grateful that John let him live, Still, John DID cut his throat, so the reception is chilly at best.

John asks Morpheus for help in tracking and accessing Roberto, because evidently hobos know where to find multi-millionaires crime lords. Morpheus walks him through the hobo armory, which is inexplicably stocked with RPGs, further forcing John to watch him change in to a silk robe and explain what he would gain by helping Neo. Surprisingly, the 'I know Kung fu' argument doesn't make an appearance. John's argument is pretty much, "Look, Roberto's gonna roll in here and gentrify the shit outta your outfit. Help me help you." Morpheus buys this argument, but he's still a little sore about John slitting his throat all those years ago, so he gives him a gun, but only provides one magazine.

John sneaks in to the museum, where Roberto is evidently having yet ANOTHER Illuminati party. Didn't he learn his lesson from his sister's debacle? Evidently not.

As John locates Roberto, they smolderingly gaze in to each other's eyes until the crowd notices the sexual tension and parts, like Moses through the Red Sea. Strangely, Roberto's head

bodyguard Ruby Rose is nowhere to be found, and the cheesedicks that are attending his at this event don't start shooting until John does, significantly shortening their shelf lives.

Roberto runs in to a needlessly bougie exhibit, consisting entirely of mirrors and mirrored surfaces, which just seems...Jesus, why?

For some reason, Ruby Rose is still nowhere to be found (probably off doing mute shit somewhere), so John just decimates anybody with a gun that comes at him. He kills 42 more redshirts, and manages to throw HIMSELF down a flight of stairs at one point. Also, at one point, John has a guy in a gogoplata and shoots him in the head. I'm pretty sure this would've blown his own foot off.

Eventually, Roberto runs out of redshirts, so Ruby Rose literally drives up to the museum to rescue him. She tells Roberto to flee while she stays behind to take care of John, but she says it in sign language. I still can't get over what a weird fucking choice it was to make her mute. They duke it out in a fairly abbreviated scene, making it clear that John is bigger, stronger and meaner than her before he kills her.

While all that jazz is jazzing it up, Roberto makes his way to the Continental, demanding that Winston excommunicate John from said Continental. Winston laughs in his face, but allows him to take advantage of the perceived sanctuary, since nobody can kill anybody on Continental grounds.

John makes his way in to the hotel to find Roberto smugly eating a steak dinner, obnoxiously espousing how clever he is by hiding in the Continental for the rest of his life. John pulls an Indy and shoots him halfway through his speech, to Winston's shock and chagrin.

The Wicker Man then makes his way back home, or at least back to the burned-out shell that used to be his house. He digs through the ash and rubble until he finds his dead wife's necklace, then he reclines in a melted pile of chair, reflecting on his actions.

Charon shows up to collect John and put a stop to that introspective shit. He gives John and his dog a ride to Central Park to meet Winston, where he learns the bad news that Roberto's surviving family has doubled the price on his head to $14 million, and opened the contract to the international crowd, meaning that all sorts of people are going to be gunning for John. Winston also informs John that he is now excommunicated fro the Continental and all of its services (including, apparently Aurelio).

Historically, when Winston has excommunicated someone, that someone generally ceases to be in fairly short order. When John inquires if that will be his fate, WInston does a pretty neat demonstration of his reach. He gives a nod, and every body in the park area stops and turns to John, before turning about and getting on with their days. Winston tells John that he likes him, so he has an hour before the whole world comes down on him.

As John runs for his life, everyone around him receives a text message, as Winston's orders are spammed to everyone at once.

The End?

Obviously not. This clearly sets up a third and possibly final film. So, John killed a bunch of people, lost his house to a gas leak set off by a grenade launcher, and is just bruised to shit after the last few days he's had.

Overall, I immensely enjoyed this film. A thought i had the other day was reading this film series as a religious parable, with John as the devil/fallen angel and Winston as God.

Surprisingly, I think I've run out of words about this movie.

If you want to tell me how wrong I am, you can find me on Twitter @NormFromCheers,