Norm
From Cheers
The
movie starts with a regaling of The Legend of John Wick (a recap of
the first movie). This regaling is related by Peter Stormare, also
known as Standard Russian Bad Guy #235240, who is apparently the head
of the Russian mob after John Wick killed the ever living shit out of
most of them in the first film.
During
the regaling, we find that for some goddamn reason, the surviving
Russians kept John's car, and he has finally tracked it down.
As
John breaks in to the vehicle holding area, we see a metric fuckton
of mysteriously ornate wooden boxes,, gold bricks, pedestrian piles
of cash and lots of drugs being shipped in various clandestine
containers, such as used motor oil (everybody ships used motor oil
from time to time, right?). Stormare then tells the audience and his
right-hand man (who apparently hasn't been paying attention to this
massive undertaking being executed in the same building where he
works) that it's just cheaper and safer to abandon all US operations
and GTFO, rather than try to reason or appease John.
While
the regaling turns in to a voiceover, we see that John Wick has
apparently gone to war with a livery union, but the only livery union
on the planet that doesn't own guns. Since they don't own guns, they
proceed to try to commit vehicular homicide on John, as he ribbon
dances his way to his car with a garrote, pausing every so often to
shove lit cigarettes in to men's mouths, cherry-first.
Finally,
John find his car - Eleanor. He tries to quietly get away (as quietly
as you can get away in a muscle car inside a warehouse full of cabs),
but is spotted and chased. The geniuses chasing him, who haven't read
the company memo stating that the Russian concern is pulling up
stakes, crash in to his beloved car. It's at this point that John
visibly decides 'Fuck it,' and plays bumper cars with the cabs, just
absolutely destroying his beloved car in the process (and shattering
several windshields several times). Eventually, Eleanor is too beat
up to still use to try to kill people with, so John gets out and
proceeds to do some ol' fashioned a-murderin'. And boy does he decide
he likes knee kicks. I lost count at six, but he kept going with
them.
After
there are no more Russians to kill, John lets himself in to Pete
Stormare's office, pours them each a drink, and toasts to the Russian
Space Station Mir, which is also evidently Russian for 'peace,'
according to the subtitles. Who knew? John then walks out, and the
introduction to the film is concluded, and the title card comes up.
John
limps his now-busted hoopty home, parks it, and goes inside to spend
time with his new dog, which doesn't have a name (this is a running
gag throughout the film). As he winds down from his day of killin',
he bags up all of his physical accoutrements that go in to wearing
the "John Wick" costume, takes them down to his basement,
and throws them in a hole he busted in his floor in The Legend of
John Wick. He then patches the concrete, doing a fairly serviceable
job
from what the camera showed. Personally, I think he's got real talent
at this whole masonry thing, if his day job ever falls through.
As
he sits in his basement, literally watching concrete dry, his
doorbell rings. John goes to answer the door to see Italy's answer to
Robert Downy Jr., Roberto Downy Jr. He invites Roberto Downy Jr in
for some coffee and small talk, which inevitably leads to Roberto
producing some fine jewelry from his pocket and telling John he needs
him to go back to work. This is evidently a physical representation
of a literal blood debt John owes Roberto, in connection with the
Impossible Task John accomplished all those years ago that allowed
him to retire.John politely refuses, and then begs Roberto to not ask
him to come back to work (my suspicion is that he, too, realizes that
masonry work is his true calling).
Roberto
seems upset that John has found a hobby to pass the time in his
retirement, but politely leaves. After he leaves, Roberto drives down
the street and shoots Johns house to hell with a grenade launcher,
which seems like a fair bit of hardware to just roll around with to
me. I mean, if someone rear-ends you when you're on your way out to
7Eleven to get more Skittles, that seems like it'd be a largely
indefensible way to die. It also leads me to believe that Roberto
isn't actually as even-keeled as he said he was.
The
first explosion, of course, blows John and his dog clear of the rest
of them, despite the fact that if the explosion were actually
forceful enough to lift a grown man and a dog and fling them about 50
feet, their innards would be liquified.
As
the fire brigade shows up to contain the blaze, before it can spread
to the surrounding lake water, Jimmy, the Cop from the first movie
shows up, and asks John if he had a gas leak, John plays along, coyly
answering questions as to whether or not he's "Working Again."
Now
homeless, John makes his way back to the Continental, the assassin's
waystation from the first film. He walks up to the front desk, still
manned by Charon (side note: this is an awesome name for this
character, given its origin). John tells his dog to STAY at the front
desk and goes to see Ian 'Winston' McShane, the Manager of the
Continental. Winston is examining some Gold Coins (the preferred
currency of assassins in this world), and places them back in a
mysteriously ornate Wooden Box, similar to the ones Petey Stormare
had at the beginning of the film. Winnie is evidently brunching with
the jeweler (or sculptor? I'm not sure what you call a metal carvist)
who made the coins, which is abruptly ended with John's arrival.
Winnie relates the (judging from his exasperated demeanor, what
should have already been apparent) facts of John's situation. If he
kills Roberto, John dies. If he runs from Roberto, he dies. If he
refuses Roberto, he dies. John leaves in a huff, asking Charon to
board his dog whilst he goes on another killing spree.
John
then locates Roberto at the MOMA, where he's busy disinterestedly
curating his late father's art collection. Before John can see
Roberto, he is aggressively frisked and sexually harassed by his head
of security, Ruby Rose, who some of you may recognize as the
aggressively Australian sniper from the recent xXx sequel. She finger
guns her way out of the frisking process after attempting to finger
John's anus, and then he has a sit-down with Roberto, who explains
that his father was one of the members of the High Table, a shadowy
organization that implicitly runs all of the crime in the world worth
criming. WHen his father recently died, he willed his seat to his
daughter, Roberto's sister.
I
have several questions about this, chiefly being how exactly does
one's will read when bequeathing a seat of power on the executive
board of an ethereal crime organization that supposedly runs the
world (this feels like where the Lizard People come in to the
equation)?
Anyway,
Roberto decided that he could do a better job of criming than his
sister, so he wants John to kill her. John silently agrees, and goes
about kitting up.
His
first stop is a Hasidic bank, where he angrily gets dressed in to his
John Wick costume. He then makes his way to the Continental Rome.
This implies that the Continental is a chain hotel, presumably with
convenient locations all around the world. I wonder if they have a
rewards or loyalty program.
The
Continental Rome has the exact same staff as the Continental New
York. Everyone has their doppelgänger, from lady Charon (wo)manning
the front desk to the Manger, played by The Most Interesting Man in
the World, if Dos Equis is to be believed. His first question to John
is to ask whether he's in town to kill the Pope, which is,
admittedly, a unique conversation starter. After John assures him
that is not the case, The Most Interesting Hotel Manager in the World
gives him his room key, and John goes about his business, which
includes a trip to a tailor, a librarian, and the hotel sommelier.
Now
I'm not sure if I just don't know what a sommelier does, or if this
is a special sommelier, but this guy has all the goddamn guns in the
world. They repartee back and forth, as John orders guns using double
entendres that could refer to guns or wine. I don't know why they use
the double entendres, as there is enough small ordinance on display
to level a small army. Even weirder, in the context of the scene, the
sommelier's true passion seems to be blades. Also, he's played by
Simon Pegg's roommate who isn't Nick Frost in Shaun of the Dead.
So
after John gets gunned up, he goes to see a tailor, whose offices are
concealed in a Chinese sweatshop. John is measured for and orders two
suits with 'tactical' lining. This lining is supposedly cutting-edge
bulletproof material, but it doesn't seem to have any rigid
structure. The logical problem with this is that even in regular body
armor, existent in the real world, you'll break ribs with a direct
hit. You won't get shot by the bullet, but the impact dispersion will
still beat the hell from you. This concept seems dubious and suspect
to me.
Finally,
John goes to the librarian's shop. There, he is given a lesson on the
architectural history of the Downy Jr. ancestral home, from the
beginning of time to present day. He is also furnished with a key
ring containing four keys that look older than time itself.
After
he's all kitted out, John goes to break in to the Downy Jr estate
through the catacombs that are apparently unguarded and poorly locked
and monitored, yet underlie and spider throughout the entire estate.
While breaking in, he is surreptitiously spied on by Ruby Rose. As he
works his way in through the catacombs, he leaves party favors and
big guns lying about, in case of a hasty and noisy retreat.
Once
he gets to the heart of the estate, it becomes apparent that someone
is hosting an Illuminati raver whose headline is the Italian Enya.
There is just a tremendous cacophony coming out of this largely stone
structure, and there's not a chance in hell that you wouldn't be able
to hear this noise throughout the entire city of Rome.
As
ItaliaEnya sings her version of the Miss America theme, the presumed
Downy Jr Sister walks down the aisle, gland-handing and
meet-and-greeting the whole way. We also see that her head of
security is rapper Common. His furniture-design competition reality
show must not have panned out. He really did that - I swear on my
whiskey bottle I didn't make that up. It was called "Framework."
As
The Carpenter Formerly Known as Common politely but firmly guides
Lady Downy Jr through her various appointments on this, the most
Illuminati Raviest of Nights, she decides to retire to her private
quarters in the middle of this, as previously established, massively
loud rave. When she does, she sends Common away to build a chair or
something.
As
Lady Downy Jr primps in a mirror, John Wick appears in the reflection
like a goddamn street magician. She immediately recognizes him, and I
felt it was insinuated that they used to bump proverbial uglies. She
realizes John is here to kill her, and asks who sent him. When she
hears it was her brother, she disgustedly warns John that he will try
to take over New York for some unspecified reason.
To
spare John from having to kill her, and to go out on her 'own terms,'
Lady Downy Jr strips down, gets in a conveniently pre-filled tub
that's shaped like a cross, and slits her own wrists. John holds her
hand as she enters the final boarding process, and then puts an
insurance bullet in her head for good measure.
On
his way out of the Illuminati Rave, John runs in to Common, who has
apparently finished building his chair. They recognize each other,
and John regretfully informs him that the Rome Downy Jrs have one
less family member.
Common
then initiates a shootout with John, along with every other armed
guard at this soirée, all of whom apparently had their thumbs up
their collective asses until this very second. Somehow, despite all
the bullets flying, not a single person in the surround throng of
people catches a stray round or a through and trough.
John
finally gets away in to the catacombs, only to run in to Ruby Rose
and a gaggle of Redshirts. She curiously pantomimes tying up loose
ends, and then rains holy hell on John. My first though during this
scene was that holy shit everyone in this gun battle would be
outright deaf after this. They let off a lot of ordinance in what's
basically a small rock cave.
John
takes several rounds to the suit, holding up the lapel like a Poor
Man's Dracula, or your dad acting like his coat is Captain America's
shield. John fights his way to the weapons he's staged previously,
including an AR-15 and a Benelli M4, both of which, again, would be
absolutely deafening in such enclosed, tight quarters. It's a near
thing, but John escapes the catacombs and loses Ruby Rose.
As
he walks back to the Continental, Common hits John with a car, and
the gets out, firing wildly. They both run out of rounds, and proceed
to wrestle through the street of Rome. At one point, they both go
tumbling down the longest flight of stairs in cinematic history. I
mean, it was positively Kubrickian in length.
Eventually,
they throw each other through a window in to the Continental. This is
a pivot point in the fight, because one of the two rules this
cinematic universe has introduced is that One
Cannot
Spill Blood on Continental Grounds, on penalty of being thrown out of
and blacklisted from said Continental and/or death.
When
The Manager points out to them that they are on Continental Grounds,
they stop fighting. The Most Interesting Man in Rome then suggests
they get a drink at the hotel bar (way to upsell the in-house
services, dude). As they sit down to their drink, John explains how
he had no choice in the acceptance of his task, and Common says he
understands, but will still hunt him to the ends of the earth, or the
movie, whichever comes first. This seems kinda of like a dick move on
his part, considering it was him that failed to replace the locks on
the goddamn basement doors for the last 9,000 years.
Anyway,
they have a 'I'm gonna kill you first!, No I'M gonna kill you first!'
dick-measuring competition, and then Common leaves. The camera pans
over then to reveal that Ruby Rose was sitting there THE WHOLE
TIME!!!11!!1! She starts speaking to John in sign
language...wait...is Ruby Rose supposed to be mute? What the fuck? I
guess i haven't heard her aggressively Australian accent all movie,
so apparently so. That's a weird narrative choice on the movie
maker's part, but okay. There is no explanation or reason given for
her muteness the rest of the film.
By
the way, in the catacombs, John killed 42 guys. I counted.
As
John retires to his room, we see that at some point, while being shot
multiple times, his phone screen cracked, so now he can't morosely
watch videos of his dead wife on a beach. I feel like this is a good
development for the narrative pacing of the film.
Roberto
calls John on the antique rotary phone (note for you youngsters: ask
your parents what this means) that's part of the hotel furnishings,
and informs him that as revenge for killing his sister, he has put
out a contract on his life for $7 million. John characteristically
hangs up mid-conversation. I don't think this man has had a full
phone conversation in his life. He always hangs up mid-sentence.
Let's
take a minute to talk about how Roberto put out a contract on John.
This seems to be a needlessly complicated system, with many montages
of antiquity and high-tech confusingly meshed. Roberto calls a woman
who identifies herself as "Switchboard." She's in a room
staffed entirely by Suicide Girls, all identically dressed as candy
stripers/pinup girls. They don't appear to ever venture outside of
this room they work in, so I'm not sure what the point of the
costumes is, but whatever. The room is evidently a communication hub
from yesteryear, as all calls are routed through an old-fashioned
phone bank, and all communications out of the room are done through
vacuum tubes, like a 1950's mailroom. Switchboard takes the 'order',
writes it down on a form, passes the form to another Suicide Girl,
who types up the form, sends it somewhere for approval, and then
returns it to the room to be disbursed via a machine that appears to
be a combination TeleType/RoboCaller. It blasts the order to a series
of inept B-level hitmen, who are all conveniently stationed
throughout New York City for John's return.
As
John aimlessly walks the streets of New York, just waiting for people
to try to kill him, they start to oblige him.
The
first genius to step up to the plate is a large man who looks like he
has trouble negotiating a mid-length flight of stairs. This boy's
gotta be in the 500-lb range, he initially tries to shoot John
and...you
know what? This montage is kind of boring. Just know that several
inept assassin's take a swing at John, but only one gets a good shot
in, presumably where his appendix would be. The best part of this
montage is when he demonstrates how to kill multiple people with a
pencil,
The
boss level of this portion of the movie is Common again. Only shitty
video games that need to length pad reuse boss characters, so I was
worried this climax would suck, but boy did it not. At one point,
they prettily snipe at each other with suppressed pistols while
traversing a crowded subway station. Throughout, John kills several
more shitty hitmen, or 'Shitmen,' if you will.
They
both end up on the same train, near the end of the line. The proceed
to Steven Segal Knife Fight their way through the last two stops on
the line, before John stabs Common in the chest with Common's own
knife. He tells Common that the knife is stuck in his heart, and that
he could pull it out and keep trying to kill John and die, or he
could leave it in and maybe live.
John
debarkes from the train, only to see two more Shitmen after him. They
somehow knew he would be in that particular subway station at that
exact second. John's pretty busted up by now, so he find a hobo,
passes him a gold coin, cryptically tells the hobo to take him to see
somebody, and passes out under the hobo's tarp. The hobo rattles the
gold coin, and then shoots the last two Shitmen to death. Thus
concludes John's Shitmen killing spree, capping it at 6. Hobo Batman
had an assist with 2.
John
comes to in a boiler room, where the hobo and his hobo pals are
burning the bodies of the Shitmen the hobo killed. He's been patched
up and is receiving IV fluids to help with the no doubt crippling
blood loss, which is mighty nice.
The
hobo takes John to meet with Morpheus, reuniting the best duo from a
computer-themed film released in 1999. Morpheus is evidently now King
Hobo, and he tends carrier pigeons as a hobby.
Morpheus
relates that he once had his throat cut by John, many, many years
ago. He learned how not to be snuck up on because of that incident,
but was grateful that John let him live, Still, John DID cut his
throat, so the reception is chilly at best.
John
asks Morpheus for help in tracking and accessing Roberto, because
evidently hobos know where to find multi-millionaires crime lords.
Morpheus walks him through the hobo armory, which is inexplicably
stocked with RPGs, further forcing John to watch him change in to a
silk robe and explain what he would gain by helping Neo.
Surprisingly, the 'I know Kung fu' argument doesn't make an
appearance. John's argument is pretty much, "Look, Roberto's
gonna roll in here and gentrify the shit outta your outfit. Help me
help you." Morpheus buys this argument, but he's still a little
sore about John slitting his throat all those years ago, so he gives
him a gun, but only provides one magazine.
John
sneaks in to the museum, where Roberto is evidently having yet
ANOTHER Illuminati party. Didn't he learn his lesson from his
sister's debacle? Evidently not.
As
John locates Roberto, they smolderingly gaze in to each other's eyes
until the crowd notices the sexual tension and parts, like Moses
through the Red Sea. Strangely, Roberto's head
bodyguard
Ruby Rose is nowhere to be found, and the cheesedicks that are
attending his at this event don't start shooting until John does,
significantly shortening their shelf lives.
Roberto
runs in to a needlessly bougie exhibit, consisting entirely of
mirrors and mirrored surfaces, which just seems...Jesus, why?
For
some reason, Ruby Rose is still nowhere to be found (probably off
doing mute shit somewhere), so John just decimates anybody with a gun
that comes at him. He kills 42 more redshirts, and manages to throw
HIMSELF down a flight of stairs at one point. Also, at one point,
John has a guy in a gogoplata and shoots him in the head. I'm pretty
sure this would've blown his own foot off.
Eventually,
Roberto runs out of redshirts, so Ruby Rose literally drives up to
the museum to rescue him. She tells Roberto to flee while she stays
behind to take care of John, but she says it in sign language. I
still can't get over what a weird fucking choice it was to make her
mute. They duke it out in a fairly abbreviated scene, making it clear
that John is bigger, stronger and meaner than her before he kills
her.
While
all that jazz is jazzing it up, Roberto makes his way to the
Continental, demanding that Winston excommunicate John from said
Continental. Winston laughs in his face, but allows him to take
advantage of the perceived sanctuary, since nobody can kill anybody
on Continental grounds.
John
makes his way in to the hotel to find Roberto smugly eating a steak
dinner, obnoxiously espousing how clever he is by hiding in the
Continental for the rest of his life. John pulls an Indy and shoots
him halfway through his speech, to Winston's shock and chagrin.
The
Wicker Man then makes his way back home, or at least back to the
burned-out shell that used to be his house. He digs through the ash
and rubble until he finds his dead wife's necklace, then he reclines
in a melted pile of chair, reflecting on his actions.
Charon
shows up to collect John and put a stop to that introspective shit.
He gives John and his dog a ride to Central Park to meet Winston,
where he learns the bad news that Roberto's surviving family has
doubled the price on his head to $14 million, and opened the contract
to the international crowd, meaning that all sorts of people are
going to be gunning for John. Winston also informs John that he is
now excommunicated fro the Continental and all of its services
(including, apparently Aurelio).
Historically,
when Winston has excommunicated someone, that someone generally
ceases to be in fairly short order. When John inquires if that will
be his fate, WInston does a pretty neat demonstration of his reach.
He gives a nod, and every body in the park area stops and turns to
John, before turning about and getting on with their days. Winston
tells John that he likes him, so he has an hour before the whole
world comes down on him.
As
John runs for his life, everyone around him receives a text message,
as Winston's orders are spammed to everyone at once.
The
End?
Obviously
not. This clearly sets up a third and possibly final film. So, John
killed a bunch of people, lost his house to a gas leak set off by a
grenade launcher, and is just bruised to shit after the last few days
he's had.
Overall,
I immensely enjoyed this film. A thought i had the other day was
reading this film series as a religious parable, with John as the
devil/fallen angel and Winston as God.
Surprisingly,
I think I've run out of words about this movie.
If
you want to tell me how wrong I am, you can find me on Twitter
@NormFromCheers,
The
movie starts with a regaling of The Legend of John Wick (a recap of
the first movie). This regaling is related by Peter Stormare, also
known as Standard Russian Bad Guy #235240, who is apparently the head
of the Russian mob after John Wick killed the ever living shit out of
most of them in the first film.
