Episode 176 - CrossFit Mystics

In this episode Kip and Morph and Queentuffyrules discuss...

• Mice and Mystics
• The Murph CrossFit workout
• Baywatch aka Babewatch

You can catch us on Twitter @geekvice @kipkillagin @QueenTuffyRules

Tell us what you think email Geekvice.

 

 

Check out this episode!

Episode 175 - Black Fleet

In this episode Kip and Morph discuss...

• Black Fleet
• Mice and Mystics
• The Keepers

 

You can catch us on Twitter @geekvice @kipkillagin

Tell us what you think email Geekvice.

 

Check out this episode!

Norm Reviews Sleight

Sleight

Surprisingly, the film production cards at the front of the movie announce this as a WWE Studios joint. That immediately lowers my opinion. We'll see how this goes.

The movie opens in LA, but not the glitzy part of LA, more the 'affordable tract housing' part of LA. We are introduced to the main character, Bo, through a voicemail voiceover from a teacher of his. Between that and the floating tour we take around Bo's house, we can surmise that he has a sister named Tina, and his mother has recently died. Bo has evidently also earned a scholarship.

One year later, Bo is doing card tricks and sleight of hand tricks on street corners for cash as a street magician. Most of his tricks seem neat, but are pedestrian in nature. All except for one of his tricks, where he somehow levitates and spins a jewelry ring, inviting a random girl to grab it from the air, which she does. She's pretty impressed by this, but right as he starts to make conversation with her, his sister Tina walks up, done with school for the day, and she and Bo head home.

At home, we see a mounting pile of unpaid, past due medical bills addressed to Bo's mom. This never comes up again. Later, we see that Bo has implanted a copper-core magnetic inductor in to his bicep with subcutaneous wires running down his arm. It looks pretty fuckin' uncomfortable, and kind of infected, but apparently that's how he levitates the ring. God damn if that isn't commitment.

As Bo heads out to is second job, a night job, he runs in to his neighbor, Georgie, the gal next door. She apparently helps Bo out in caring for Tina, and will do so again tonight. We eventually see that Bo's night job is a cliched slinging drugs. One of his stops is a club that buys for musical acts it books, which will become important later. While Bo's making his rounds, we also see that he's trig enough to be able to use his sleight of hand to hide his stash from cops during a Terry Stop, so he's go that going for himself.

Eventually, Bo needs to hit up his plug, Angelo, to turn in his rounds and get resupplied. Angelo works out of his house, which to my mind introduces all sorts of logistical issues with the drug trade, but whatever. Angelo tells Bo that he's heard rumors of a new supplier in town, and asks Bo to keep his ear to the ground about it.

A few days later, at a shitty techno club, Bo is doing just that, and sees someone else slinging in one of his regular spots. He asks the dude if he can buy from him, but dude standoffishly denies that he's slinging, and tries to get tough with Bo. When he does, Bo pickpockets dude's phone and disengages. From this, he determines that the new supplier's name is Maurice. At least, some people call him (others call him The Gangster of Love). He relays this info to Angelo, and goes about his business.

Later, Bo is out to coffee with Holly, the random girl who was extremely impressed with his levitating ring earlier. Evidently she tipped him her phone number. While they're getting to know each other, Angelo calls Bo up and tells him we're riding on Maurice. Bo splits the coffee date and goes over to Angelo's house.

Angelo lines out his plan to rough Maurice up, but Bo doesn't look so sure about his life choices right about the time one of Angelo's other boys tosses him a janky snub-nose .38 Special revolver. Regardless, Bo goes along for the ride.

They arrive at Maurice's uh, lair, I suppose, which is a dilapidated warehouse with a poker table set up inside. Angelo's crew bust in and clear the building, with Bo almost getting taken out by one of Maurice's braver subordinates. Angelo tries to have a sit down with Maurice, offering him the license to deal in Angelo's territory for 30% of Maurice's take. Maurice rejects this offer out of hand, and is kind of a dick about it, so Angelo beats the ever-loving shit out of him. He then gives him the ultimatum of dealing for Angelo or GTFO'ing.

Back at home, Bo is kind of freaked out by the night's events, so he talks it over with his neighbor Georgie. Bo and her come to the conclusion that this has turned in to something Bo would never have signed up for, and he needs to get out.

A few nights later, Holly comes over to Bo's house for dinner, and Georgie helps him out with the cooking and such. They sit down for a nice family and friends dinner, and are having a good time when Angelo stops by. He chides Bo for not answering his phone, and for not inviting Angelo for family supper. Regardless, Angelo pulls Bo outside and tells him that Maurice hasn't stopped dealing in their territory, so they need to teach him another lesson. Right. The. Fuck. Now.

Bo reluctantly jumps in Angelo's ride with the rest of the crew, and they set off to find Maurice. They locate him outside a club with a girl that he's busy deingrating. They abduct him, leaving the girl behind, and take him to Angelo's house. There, they pull out a tarp and a meat cleaver, stretching out Maurice on the tarp. Maurice pleads for reason to take the day, but Angelo's having none of it. He hands Bo the cleaver and tells him to take Maurice's hand. Bo doesn't want to, but Angelo puts a literal gun to his head and coerces him to do it. Reluctantly Bo winds up and takes a swing. Unfortunately for everyone, he doesn't make it through cleanly, and has to take a few more whacks. Eventually, he makes it through, and then promptly runs outside and throws up.

Angelo meets him outside, and drives the blood-spattered Bo home. Quick side-note, for all the people that are shown to be coming in and out of Angelo's house, there's NEVER any other car outside except Angelo's. Are all these other motherfuckers just Ubering everywhere? Anyway, as Angelo drops Bo off, he gives him an entire kilo of coke to sell.

Bo goes in the house, and Holly evidently decided to stay, as she's curled up asleep on his couch. He doffs his blood soaked clothes, and tells Holly (who doesn't see or comment on his bloody clothes) she can take his bed, he'll sleep on the couch. She counters with the line of logic that they can sleep in the same bed, so Alright, Alright, Alright.

Wait, it's not Alright. As Holly changes for bed, Bo sees that she's got a shit-ton of bruises all over her body. That kind of kills any thoughts of sexytime, but they cuddle up and keep it PG-13.

The next day, Bo lays out his slinging supplies. He's stepped on the kilo Angelo gave him, turning it in to two keys. By his calculations, he can sling it all, pay Angelo back, and still have $15k left. Boy does 2 kilos of coke break down in to a LOT of little baggies, so Bo gets to moving them.

Later, Holly comes over, upset as shit, and with a black eye. She tells Bo that her mom beats her when she gets drunk. Hey, it's 2017, so i suppose we can have gender equality when it comes to abusive parents. They have a tender moment, and then get to the fukkin'.

In the morning, Holly wakes up before Bo and sees his magnetic inductor he implanted in his arm. She rightfully asks what the fuck he was thinking, so he tells her a story about the time he saw a magician perform on the Boardwalk when he was little. He did some neat but pedestrian tricks, but his big one was putting a knife through his hand. A real knife. After his mom died, he ran in to the same magician, still performing on the Boardwalk. He chatted him up, and got him to divulge his secret about the knife trick to him. The secret was that it wasn't a trick. The magician had painstakingly cut a hole through his hand over the years, until he had a hole clean through his hand. Then, when it came time to perform, he simply put a bit of latex skin over the hole, and did the trick. Bo's takeaway from this was that doing regular tricks any old asshole can do isn't magic, doing something nobody else can is magic. I question that assertion, as that dude spent years doing street magic on the Boardwalk, never making it anywhere. Bo ends the story with the assertion that if he had more power for the magnet, he could do a bigger effect.

Eventually Angelo finds out that Bo cut his product without telling him, and assumes he was intending to keep the extra income. He demands Bo give him the original, intended $15k, the additional $15k from the extra sales, and an extra $15k for asshole tax. And he wants it in a week, or he'll kill everyone Bo loves.

Bo realizes he's in over his head and completely fucked, so he comes clean to Holly about his dealing. She is surprisingly not angry about him lying about that shit, and tells him she'll help him pay off his debt to Angelo.

We're then treated to an inspirational '80's-style montage of Bo slinging like a madman. At the end of the montage, Bo has only made $35,914. This is significantly short of the target $45,000, so Holly kicks in $900 she's saved. Mathematically, this is still not $45,000, but it's a sweet gesture.

Sunday comes, and, deciding he's fucked no matter what, Bo takes Holly and Tina out to an arcade for one last good time, using his magnetic inductor to help Tina win some games. While there, he decides he's not licked yet, and has one more play to make.

He leaves them at the arcade and takes a delivery to the club he delivered to earlier in the movie. While there, he takes advantage of the trust the club manager has for him, slips in to the club office, and robs the safe, presumably taking more than $10k. Unfortunately, as he's leaving, he's spotted by Maurice's crew who chases and catches him. They knock him out, cuff him, throw him in a car trunk and take him to Maurice's Honeycomb Hideout.

Once there, they prepare to maim Bo in the same fashion he maimed Maurice. Bo wakes up, unattended in the truck, and still cuffed. He uses his magnet to open the handcuffs and the trunk, and makes his escape, with Maurice's crew none the wiser.

Bo makes his way home, and we see Angelo and crew break in to Bo's house and bust shit up. But Shamalyan! Bo's next door at Georgie's house with Tina. After Angelo tires himself out, he calls Bo and tells him he wants an ADDITIONAL $15,000, bringing the total owed to $60,000.

Holly comes over and comforts him. She tells Bo that he should run, and take her with him. Bo asks where they'd go, and she says she doesn't care. At the same time, Angelo abducts Tina from school. In this day and age, I would imagine it'd be difficult for a stranger to do that, but fuck it, we'll roll with it.

Out of options, Bo goes to see his old high school teacher - the teacher that left the condolence voicemail that opened the movie. They chat and talk about life, and Bo eventually tells him he's in trouble, and shows him the magnetic inductor in his arm. His teacher freaks out momentarily, but then decides that it's pretty cool, and examines it. Bo tells him he needs more power for it, so his teacher suggests hooking in a feedback oscillator (essentially an amplifier for electrical current). They go in to the teacher's workshop, and rig up an oscillator and TWO car batteries. Now, Bo is not a big lad by any means, and even small car batteries weight upward of 45 pounds each. So that's about 90 pounds that he's hooked up to the system in his arm, which he loads in to his backpack. That's one hell of a backpack, and, again, a lot of weight for a lad of his size to sling around. Anyway, they take it outside and try it on the teacher's car, and it works like gangbusters, dragging Bo toward the car.

Now powered up, Bo gets a ride over to Angelo's house from Holly, and tells her that if he isn't out in 15 minutes, to drive away and don't look back.

Bo busts in, and Angelo's crew having a bit of a soirée, complete with Columbian marching powder and plenty of booze. He rips gold teeth out of one of the dude's mouth using his magnet. Gold isn't ferrous, so that must be one helluva magnet. Another dude comes at him with an aluminum bat, which he stops mid-swing with his magnet, and then throws with his magnet, embedding it in a wall. Aluminum also is not ferrous, so that must REALLY be one helluva magnet. He then roars over the music for everyone to get out, and they promptly do, because a man just ripped teeth out of another man's mouth and stopped and threw a bat mid-air, all seemingly by magic. During all this, Bo seems fairly fuckin' spry with those batteries on his back.

Angelo comes out to see what all the commotion is about, and sees Bo. He pulls his gun and empties it at Bo. Bo stops the slugs mid-air (the FIRST ferrous metal he interacts with here), and drops them to the ground. While the lead slugs are indeed ferrous, it would still take a TREMENDOUS amount of magnetic force to stop them mid-air. Anyway, Bo picks up one of the slugs and magnetically throws it at Angelo, slowly boring it in to his forehead. Bo pushes his magnet so hard the house shakes until Angelo tells him that Tina is staying with Angelo's auntie, and is safe. He throws Angelo the original $15,000 he was owned and walks out.

Outside, Bo gets in Holly's car, revealing severe burns to his arm from the excessive current running through his magnet. He gets Tina without incident, and they all have a healthy cry in the car.

Some time later, we see that Bo, Holly and Tina have set up a new life in San Diego. Holly's going to college, Tina's going to school and Bo's performing street magic. They seem to have a nice family dynamic set up, and all seem to be happy.

In the middle of the night, Holly wakes up to find Bo's side of the bed empty. She wanders through the house looking for Bo, eventually ending up at the door to his workshop. She opens the door, and we see lots of pulsing lights reflecting on her, and many humming, whirring noises happening. She looks awed and amazed, and says, "Oh...my...God...," before the screen smash cuts to black and the movie ends. So we don't see what his new trick is, but I inferred that its some fashion of him levitating off the ground or something along those lines.

Pretty solid movie overall, despite the initial cliches.

5/5 Ghetto Iron Mans.

Episode 174 - Guardians Vol 2

 In this episode Kip and Morph discuss...

• Guardians of the Galaxy vol 2
• King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
• Geekvice Gaming Day

You can catch us on Twitter @geekvice @kipkillagin

Tell us what you think email Geekvice.

 

 

Check out this episode!

Episode 173 - Planet Comicon

In this episode Kip and Morph talk with Kip's wife @queentuffyrules about her first experience at Planet Comicon.

 

You can catch us on Twitter @geekvice @kipkillagin

Tell us what you think email Geekvice.

 

Check out this episode!

Blast from the past: Episode 136

 In this episode Kip and Morph discuss...

• Oregon Trail tabletop game
• Pre Gen Con
• Morph play Pokemon Go
• Sharknado: The 4th Awakens
• Stranger Things

You can catch us on Twitter @geekvice @kipkillagin

Tell us what you think email Geekvice.

 

 

 

Check out this episode!

Fate of the Furious

Fate of the Furious
aka Fuck Physics

@NormFromCheers



The movie opens in Havana, Cuba, with a red Chevy Impala crushing down the coast. We then segue to a car meetup that appears to be exclusively made up of every Nomad & Bel Air that's in running condition. We then cut to Dominic Toretto, sauntering around the meetup with Letty, appreciating the machinery and scenery.

We then see a young man having his old junker being towed against his will at the behest of what appears to be the local bigshot racer. The young kid apparently owes Bigshot some money, and Bigshot is taking his car as payment.

Dom steps in and tries to smooth things over. Bigshot elects to mouth off to Dom and disparage Letty In response, Dom calls him out and offers to race for pinks - his car against Bigshot's Ford Fairlane, but racing his cousin's hoopty. Bigshot tells him that they'll race the Cuban Mile, a street road race.

Before the race, Dom strips down his cousin's car, removing most of the body paneling and rigging the vacuum line. They begin the race, and it's surprisingly even, despite the performance difference in the vehicles. It's so even that Bigshot calls one of his buddies to crash his motorcycle in to Dom's car. This causes Dom's car to catch fire, but not blow up. Dom's windshield cracks and shatters from the heat of the flames, so he flips a 180 and wins the race in reverse, but ends up driving the car in to the ocean, blowing it up in the process.

As Bigshot prepares to hand Dom his keys, Dom refuses them, stating that the respect he's earned from Bigshot is payment enough. As Dom walks away, he throws his cousin the keys to his Impala as a replacement for his car. Later, as Dom has some celebration sex with Letty, she asks him how he feels about starting a family. He seems receptive to the idea.

The next morning, on his way home from the market, Dom gets honeypotted in to looking at Charlize Theron's 'broken down' Jeep. As he looks at it, he realizes that she's removed the delay for the fuel pump. She tells him that she wants Dom to work for her. He politely tells her to fuck off, so she hands him an iPhone with some sort of photo on it. He reluctantly agrees to work for her, and she walks away, telling him that he'll betray everyone and shatter his family for her.

Smash cut to The Rock giving a pep talk about crushing one's enemies. The shot pulls out to reveal that he's giving this pep talk to his 8-year-old daughter's soccer team. He then leads the team in a Haka, a traditional New Zealand war dance, which scares the shit out of the other team. His daughter's team, the Dragons win handily while Rocky talks shop with his boss, agreeing to assemble a team to go after a stolen EMP device. Rocky calls Dom to assemble his team.

The EMP is being held by the German government in a hardened military bunker in Berlin. At this point in the franchise, this type of heist is so old-hat that we don't even get to see them planning or executing it. We smash cut to them literally busting out of the bunker in their cars, with German military police in tow. The team, which consists of Ramsay (the hacker from the last movie), Ludacris, Tyrese, Letty, Dom and Rocky. They lead them on a merry chase, until they cross a bridge next to a construction site. Then Luda drops in like a wrecking ball (literally), smashing the shit out of all of the German chasers, and allowing the team to get away scot-free. They then split up, with Dom and Rocky going one way, and the rest of the team going a different way. After a bit, Dom bumps Rocky in to a roadside utility box, crashing and rolling his truck. Dom gets out, jacks the EMP from Rocky's truck, and drives off, leaving Rocky for the German authorities to find. Rocky radios the rest of the team and informs them of the recent development in interpersonal dynamics, and waves them off of picking him up. Elsewhere, Dom is then picked up via airplane, which skims a runway for him to drive in to the cargo bay. It ends up that it's Charlize's plane. Back at the team's base, everyone's trying to suss out just what the fuck happened.

Back in Germany, Rocky's getting transferred to a maximum security prison. While he's walking in, Kurt Russell walks up, big as Billy-Be-Damned, with Clint Eastwood's kid, Scott, in tow. They offer Rocky a deal: Confess, plead guilty, and work in the black ops field with him, or don't confess, be found guilty, and rot in prison. Rocky says he's choosing a third option, being found not guilty. Eastwood, whom Rocky dubs Training Wheels, then tries to be a hardass with Rocky, invoking his daughter. This proves to be a tremendous mistake, and Rocky tunes him up, much to Kurt's amusement.

Inside the jail, Rocky has a lot of 'fans,' getting several death threats and catcalls on his way in. Eventually, he's led to a cell, which happens to be across from Jason Statham, and boy does he have something to say about that.

Back on Charlize's plane, Tormund Giantsbane from Game of Thrones is apparently her head of security. Also, Charlize has blonde cornrows for some reason, which seems like a tragic mistake. Moving on, Charlize tells Dom that the best thing in his life is the 10 seconds when he's racing. He seems to silently agree.

Smash cut back to Rocky's prison cell, and he's boxing the concrete walls and jawing with The Transporter. After Transporter glibly asks if Rocky intends to punch his way out, Rocky rips a cement table from the wall and begins curling it, which sure is mighty impressive. Shortly after that, Rocky's cell door opens, and so does Transporter's. They dare each other to leave, until guards in riot gear show up and start angrily Germaning at them. Statham pulls conduit from the wall and shorts out his electronic cell lock, opening all the cell doors. A prison riot ensues, meaning bean bags, tasers and shivs for all. They're the gifts that keep on giving.

Transporter makes a run for it, and Rocky gives chase. They basically fight their way through the whole prison floor, with Rocky no-selling bean bags and tasers the whole way out. Eventually, they end up outside of the prison, and just as they're about to go at it, Kurt Russell swoops in with a bunch of guys with guns, putting a stop to it and getting them out of prison.

Kurt brings them back to his base (colorfully titled Nowhere), where the rest of the team is already at, in handcuffs. Apparently that's Training Wheels' idea of 'bringing the team in.' Kurt orders the handcuffs to be removed, and Rocky and the team get down to getting to know just what is happening. Midway through the briefing, Kurt brings Transporter in, much to the consternation of everyone in the room. It turns out that Transporter and his brother, Gaston from the live-action Beauty and the Beast, were both victims in a way, of Charlize (here known as Cipher, a spooky Ghost Hacker) in the past, who ends up being the Big Evil behind the conflicts in the last two movies. She apparently tried to get Transporter to work for her in the same fashion she got Dom to work for her, but he rejected her. So, she went after his brother, Gaston, whom she was successful with.

Tyrese suggests they use God's Eye, the global geolocator Macguffin from the previous film, to locate Dom, who should lead them to Charlize. Kurt tells him that's a good idea, let's go for it. Ramsey, the creator of God's Eye, plugs Dom's name in, and we're off to the races. They get a hit, and then another hit, and another and another and so on. Apparently Charlize wrote a program to spoof God's Eye, giving false results around the world. However Luda and Ramsay immediately figure out how she did it, and proceed to reverse it. Just as they finish their coding, they get a hit on Dom's location: the exact building they're in.

BOOM! Explosions and concussion grenades for all! Dom and Charlize bust in, taunt the team, and steal the hard drive housing God's Eye. On their way out, Letty questions Dom as to his motives, and Charlize necks with him to fuck with her. Dom and Charlize, sittin' in a tree...

Back on the plane, it turns out that Charlize has Elena, Dom's Brazilian cop girlfriend from Fast 4 and Fast 5, and her baby. They've both been missing since Dom went to Cuba with Letty. Charlize then offers Dom a loaded gun and dismisses her security., basically daring him to kill her. He declines because he noticed that the lock on Elena's cell door takes two people to open, meaning that he wouldn't be able to open the door even if he killed every man of Charlize's on the plane. He does, however, hang his cross necklace from the previous movies outside her cell as a form of comfort.

Back in the remains of Nowhere, Transporter gets an idea to track something called ghost lanes. Ghost lanes are apparently holes in satellite coverage that would allow an airplane to traverse the globe without being tracked. The most recent ghost lane would take Dom to NYC, so the team decides he went there, pack up shop, and head out. They land in a building that houses every vehicle seized by the US Government on the East Coast, affectionately referred to as The Toy Shop.

Cut to Dom cruising around NYC in a Plymouth GTX. He's on comms with Charlize, and she's watching him through traffic cameras, directing his movements through the city in a rehearsal for whatever they're pulling off next. During the route, Dom's car starts misfiring, popping and farting down the road, so he pulls in to an alley to check the car out. Charlize's unhappy about this because it's a deviation from schedule, but Dom insists. While he's checking the engine out, a delivery van pulls in next to him to unload produce, which blocks the only camera Charlize has  access to. During this time, Dom ducks in to a nearby bar for a meeting with Dame Helen Mirren, who's in a Fast and Furious movie for some goddamn reason. This ups the count of Oscar-winners in this movie to two: her and Charlize. Anyway, he gives Helen an Apple Watch and asks for her help with something, then ducks back out just as the van leaves. Charlize sees him finishing up replacing a spark plug, and he's on his merry way again.

Back at The Toy Shop, Rocky and Transporter are busy modding cars and jawing back and forth. Rocky mentions that Transporter was a decorated war hero (which was touched upon in previous films), and asks what the fuck happened. Jason tells him he was disavowed after a failed mission, just like Rocky was in the beginning of this movie. They come to a mutual understanding of respect, and maybe even a little bit of friendship.

The next day, Dom's mission is a go. Charlize uses God's Eye to track and locate the Russian Defense Minister. Dom tracks him and his motorcade through the streets of the Big Apple, and once he locates him, Charlize has one of her minions activate every vehicle within a ten-block radius capable of remote control, which ends up being over 1000. She then somehow takes control of all 1000 at once, and pilots them to the motorcade, smashing the shit out of it. Setting aside the feasibility of hacking 1000 separate systems at the exact same time, the sheer logistics of piloting said 1000 separate systems is mind-numbing. Also, one of the trucks in the motorcade has an M134a mini gun mounted to it, which seems a bit excessive.

Once they're boxed in, she drives cars off the upper stories of a multi-story car park, and more or less buries most of the Russian Defense Minister's limo. Dom then approaches the limo with a bulletproof shield and a Ripsaw, which is a bigass chain-driven saw. He stands fast with the shield as the last remaining bodyguard empties his mag at him. After that futile gesture, he Ripsaws a hole in the limo, exposing the fuel tank. He pops a road flare, and threatens to drop it in the fuel tank unless the Defense Minister hand over a briefcase handcuffed to him arm, which ends up being a nuclear football. The Minister gives in, and gives Dom the case.

The team hears the chaos on the police scanner, and rolls out to confront Dom. As he's driving away from the dogpile of cars on the motorcade, the team finds him, and they give merry chase. Training Wheels, or Little Nobody,  as he's now being called (Scott Eastwood), charges after Dom, and gets suckered in to a trap that buries his car under scaffolding. The rest of the team eventually surrounds Dom and deploys a series of harpoons on steel wire tethered to their cars. As they try to keep Dom harpooned in place, he begins rocking his car back and forth, dragging the team's cars along with him. As the team exclaims that his car has over 5000 horsepower, i realize that that is a) a preposterous number for them to throw out, as a truly uncontrollable street car would have around 2000 horsepower, and b) none of this is how physics works. Anyway, eventually, Dom creates enough slack in the lines to flip all the cars, including his.

Dom pulls himself out of the wreckage, takes the nuclear football and makes a run for it on foot. Transporter and Letty gives chase. Transporter and Dom get in to a standoff, and Dom apparently shoots Transporter (spoiler: he doesn't). Dom keeps running, but then gets in to a standoff with Letty. She grabs the case, and Dom can't bring himself to shoot her. She runs around the corner straight in to Tormund. He friends to grab the case from her, but she doesn't let go. He puts a gun to her head, but she still doesn't let go, so Dom steps in and puts a gun to Tormund's head. He doesn't budge, so Letty lets go, and Tormund runs off with Dom.

In the team's post-mission debriefing, Little Nobody keeps saying 'nucular', which is eternally frustrating to me.

Back on the plane, Charlize is displeased that Dom didn't immediately shoot Letty. She shows this displeasure by shooting Elena in the head. She also tells Dom that Tormund knew Shaw and his little brother, Owen (Gaston from the most recent incarnation of Beauty and the Beast). Cipher apparently ran both of them at one point, whether they knew it or not. That's why she targeted Dom - partly because he was good enough to fuck up her plans twice, and partly because h3e inconvenienced her by fucking up her plans twice. She wanted Russia's nuclear football in order to threaten world superpowers when they 'stepped out of line.'

The team tracks Tormund to a Russian submarine base that's been overtaken by a different separatist group. Apparently Russia just hasn't cared enough to retake the base, so Tormund and Dom and supposed to go in, take the base, and then take a sub that's been nuclearized to go along with the nuclear football Charlize already has. They decide, 'fuck it,' all bets are off, and load out to go save the world.

Dom charges the gates in a souped-up, all-terrain Dodge Charger with an insane body and ground effects kit. Side question: Where do these guys come up with the time to craft and install these custom body kits? Anyway, Dom charges the base gate, and dives around raising merry hell, setting off the stolen EMP twice in the process. It also allows Charlize to 'carjack' the submarine somehow.

At the same time, the team rides in as well, making for the submarine dock controls and for the submarine missile launch room. They try to counter-jack the sub from Charlize, who is trying to launch one of the nukes. Tyrese and Scott Eastwood get locked in the launch control room on the sub, and Ramsay and Letty are trying to keep control of the dock controls to prevent the launch of the sub in to the water. Ramsay fails to sever Charlize''s control of the sub, but Tyrese manages to pull enough computer chip boards to disable the missile launch.  Charlize freaks out and tells her minion to drop the sub in the water and get it out of there.

As the sub prepares for launch, the team disembarks from the sub and load up in their various vehicles, which includes a mini tank, a RAM truck modified in to kind of an MRAP, a Lamborghini and a dune buggy kind of truck. They decide to go for the sea gate at the mouth of the bay to disable it in an effort to block the sub from reaching open water and disappearing forever. Dom heads for high ground to meet Tormund. The team is chased by the remaining separatists that held the submarine base. 

During the chase, Tyrese, in the Lambo (which is a dumbass car to choose for a mission in the frozen North of Russia), attracts the most attention and fire from the pursuers, mostly because he's in a blaze orange Lambo. Eventually, he gets bogged down in a fractured ice shelf. Ludacris harpoons Tyrese's door from the mini tank in an effort to pull him back on to solid ice, but it don't work. Tyrese grabs on to his door as it pulls free, and his car sinks. Unfortunately, all this moving around makes the harpoon line snap (which probably ought to have snapped back and hurt Tyrese something fierce). As the door comes skidding to a halt, Tyrese is surrounded by several men on snowmobiles, all of whom he handily dispatches in a surprising show of skill and marksmanship. He's then picked up by Rocky in his MRAP. Meanwhile, Dom and Tormund are watching all the festivities from the high ground (how the hell did Dom get his Charger up that fucking hill?).

We then smash cut to Charlize's plane, which has been boarded mid-air by Transporter (See, told you he wasn't dead!) and his brother Gaston. We flash back to a meeting between Transporter and Helen Mirren, who is evidently his and Gaston's mom. We also see the delivery van that was blocking his meeting was piloted by the Cuban Bigmouth from the opening race. Anyway, Transporter broke Gaston out of jail, and they somehow flew in to the cargo hold of Charlize's airplane (I can't stress this enough) mid-air. Charlize sees them on a security camera as they effortlessly carve their way through her men, and she freaks out that Dom didn't actually kill Transporter. Transporter's in radio contact with Dom, and he calls him when he's got Dom''s baby son safely in his possession,  placing him in a bassinet. After Dom hears this,  he kills the shit out of Tormund, who dies very badly.  That bassinet is apparently bulletproof, because Transporter uses it as a shield a few times on his way out, which seems pretty ballsy.

Back on the ice, Charlize angrily launches a torpedo from the submarine in the general direction of the team and its pursuers, and it ends up shooting out of the ice. Rocky pulls alongside the torpedo as it somehow glides along the ice, and pushes the torpedo away from the team and toward the pursuers with his bare hands while skating in the ice in his boots. It's just a ridiculous as it sounds. Afterward, Dom Dukes of Hazzard's his way back to the team.

After most of the pursuers are killed by that torpedo, Charlize breaches the sub out of the ice, and keeps motoring ahead, trying to hit those cars, i guess? She fires a heatseeker missile at the team, and Dom activates an afterburner that he has mounted to his car for some reason. This attracts the heatseeker, so Dom breaks off from the team and drives around, eventually. Dukes of Hazzarding through the sub, which causes the missile to hit and destroy the sub. Dom''s car is also on fire, so he bails out and rolls. As the fireball from the sub makes its way toward him, he's surrounded by the team's cars, which shield him.

Backon the plane, Transporter finally find Charlize. As he monologues before shooting her, she throws a grenade at the plane hull, blowing a hole in it. She grabs a parachute before diving out the hole, leaving Transporter empty-handed except for the baby.

Cut to an unspecified time later, and the team is having a family dinner on a New York rooftop. Kurt Russell shows up with all kinds of good news and Transporter in tow. He offers Rocky his old job back, but Rocky declines, stating he's retired from the DSS. Dom and Transporter have a good moment, and he stays for dinner. Apparently he's part of the family now? As they sit down to dinner, Dom introduces his kid to everyone else as 'Brian', named after his old friend from the previous movie,  ending the movie.

4.5/5 Unreasonalbe Stunts That Defy the Laws of Physics